Funny Quotes 160 Short Funny Quotes about Life That Will Make You Laugh

Funny Quotes

Funny quotes are humorous statements or one-liners that are meant to make people laugh. Funny quotes can be found in a variety of sources, including books, TV shows, movies, and even on social media. They are a popular form of entertainment and are often shared and quoted by people who enjoy humour and laughter. We have put together a list of Funny Quotes to help you live a happy life. The purpose of funny quotes is to bring joy and levity to people’s lives and provide a temporary escape from the stresses and challenges of daily life.

Short Funny Quotes

«The Worst Part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.»

Image source: Fresherslive 

«I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.»

«I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.»

«Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?»

«Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?»

«Why do we put suits in a garment bag, and put garments in a suitcase?»

«Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?»

«Why do they call it a building if it’s already built?»

«Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?»

«Why do we say we slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours?»

«Why do we call it “taking a dump” when it’s coming out?»

«Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?»

«Why do we say we’re head over heels when we’re standing upright?»

«Why do they call it “a pair of pants” when it’s just one item?»

«Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?»

«Why do we say something is out of whack when it’s not in whack?»

«Why do we say “the proof of the pudding is in the eating” when pudding is never proved?»

«Why do we say “the whole 9 yards” when yards are always measured in 3s?»

«Why do we say “the bee’s knees” when knees are the ugliest part of the bee?»

«Why do we say “the cat’s pajamas” when cats don’t wear pajamas?»

«Why do we say “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” when most birds in bushes are worth zero?»

Funny Quotes For Friendship

«Why do we say “the ball is in your court” when there’s no ball involved?»

«Why do we say “the ball is in your park” when it’s not a park ball?»

«Why do we say “you’re the apple of my eye” when apples are round and have nothing to do with eyes?»

«Why do we say “bless you” when someone sneezes? Do they need blessings to sneeze?»

«Why do we say “the cat’s out of the bag” when cats never go into bags?»

«Why do we say “the clock is ticking” when clocks don’t make ticking sounds?»

«Why do we say “break a leg” before a performance? Do we want the performers to be hurt?»

«Why do we say “the fat is in the fire” when there’s no fat and no fire?»

«Why do we say “time flies” when time is an abstract concept that doesn’t fly?»

«Why do we say “over the moon” when the moon is not over anything?»

«Why do we say “easier said than done” when saying is easier than doing?»

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.» 

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” 

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” 

“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” 

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” 

 “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” 

“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall , I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”

“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”

“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”

“I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.”

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

“Best friend: the one that you can mad only for a short period of time because you have important stuff to tell them.”

“I hope we’re friend until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.”

“You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.” 

Funny Quotes about Marriage

«Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.»

Image source: Fresherslive 

«You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.»

«If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.» 

“I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury.” 

«There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.»

«As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy.»

«By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.» 

«Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.» 

«You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.» 

«You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.» 

«If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?»

«Love is being stupid together.»

«Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.» 

«Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.» 

«Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.» 

«Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.»

«Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.» 

«Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.» 

«Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.» 

«I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?» 

«People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.» 

Funny Quotes For Family

«My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.» 

«My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.» 

«So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.» 

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” 

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” 

“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” 

“Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” 

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

“Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.” 

“That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.” 

“It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life…you can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, holding claws.” 

“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?” 

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” 

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” 

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” 

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” 

“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” 

“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” 

“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” 

Funny Quotes For Enemy

«I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.»

Image source: Fresherslive 

 “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” 

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” 

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

 “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” 

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” 

 “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” 

“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”

It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”

“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public”

“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”

“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”

“Thus  the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.

Me and my best friends can communication with just facial expressions.”

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?”

“I think we’ll be friend forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends”

“Thank you for still being my friend, despite the fact that you are completely aware of every terrifying, raunchy, explicit detail of my life.”

“We will always be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we will be new friends.”

“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”

“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters”

“Never let you friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.” 

“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”

“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental hospital.” 

“Real friendship is when you friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.”

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

Funny Quotes About Work

«if we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the little mermaid.»

 Image source: Fresherslive 

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” 

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” 

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” 

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.” 

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” 

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” 

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” 

 “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” 

 “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

 “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”

 “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

 “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” 

 “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” 

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” 

 “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” 

 “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” 

Funny Quotes About Love

«I Remember it like it was yesterday. of course, i don’t really remember yesterday all that well.»

Image source: Fresherslive 

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” 

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” 

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” 

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” 

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” 

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.”

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” 

“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”

“I find you…annoying.” 

“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” 

“I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” 

“I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.” 

“Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle kit.”

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.”

 “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

“ I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” 

“Love is hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.” 

“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” 

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” 

“Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.”

Funny Quotes For Emotions

“Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.”

“You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

“Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.”

“I’ve only ever said «I love you» to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

“Love is so much more than a four-letter word.”

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”

“Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle kit.”

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times.”

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to «get bangs» every other month.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”

“My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.”

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.”

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” 

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